The Mindful Leader in You:
On Being Reactive

Use this Mindful Practice to learn to recognize signals in your body that tell you that you're about to react rather than respond mindfully.

I wish I could say that I’ve found a solid, full-proof solution to eradicate reactivity in my personal and professional interactions. I haven’t yet. It’s certainly something that I’ve pursued in the name of bringing peace to myself, my family, and those around me.

I can say, and I think my wife and colleagues would agree, that I’ve curbed angry and condescending reactions immensely. Over the years, with practice and intention, I’ve developed the ability to mostly mindfully respond with compassion and/or firmness, depending on the situation. However, I still shake my head at myself when a curt word with a harsh tone flies out of my mouth in the direction of someone I live or work with. And then I forgive myself, apologize to the person, and move forward, working to do better next time... and the time after that... and the time after that.

What is this reactivity? How do we chip away at it? Does it really matter if I’m reactive?

Let’s start with the third question first.

Unequivocally, yes. Our responses to tense moments make up the difference between someone feeling heard and valued or dismissed and demeaned. If what we want as mindful leaders is to inspire people to be and work at their highest potential, then what we say should help them find higher ground.

Our thoughtful responses to people in a challenging moment can be like a rope that helps them get up out of the muck they’re in. However, a negative reaction just puts us in the muck with them. It’s up to us as mindful leaders to first recognize the muck for what it is, and to stay on the higher, dryer ground as we work to bring others up with us.

I once had to work with someone who pushed just about every button I had. It was remarkable.

One day, this person was in rare form. We were in a meeting, and she seemed to get threatened by something I said and then started throwing the muck. She interrupted me (something she knew was a major trigger for me) twisted something I said out of context to fit her story, and then glared at me with a seething, "game-on" glare. Ohhhhh, was it tempting to react… My face got hot, my chest tightened – both signs, I’ve learned, that tell me anger is near. It was all going to feel so much better as soon as I lashed back out at her with my clever zinger…

Then I stopped, remembered my intentions as a mindful leader, took a deep breath, and softened my eyes. I took a couple of seconds to see what she was dealing with. I remembered what I had learned about her during a tender moment at lunch with other staff. I learned about her challenging path to leadership as a woman and about how her high-level academic degree was a way she could prove her worth to the many men who had treated her poorly throughout her life.

I saw her as a person just wanting to be seen and valued. This new vision of her was something I still remember today. In the span of three deep breaths, my chest loosened up, the blood ran away from my face, and I was able to wonder how what I said could have upset her. I was able to recognize the words and tone that triggered her. I apologized for the way I said it and clarified what I meant. Then I asked her if that sounded better. She was taken aback. She just looked at me without the threatening glare in her eyes and said a simple, “Yeah, that works.” We were able to move on and collaborate.

I wish I could say that this was our last run-in, but it wasn’t. What I can say is that it became easier and easier to work together. I didn’t have to leave the organization like I thought I might have to, and I learned how to recognize her for the strengths she brought and at times, even enjoy our camaraderie. I don’t know if she ever felt that way about me, but I decided it doesn’t matter. As a mindful leader, it’s our ability to work together with those whose path we cross that signals our strength and ultimate success.

Here are some ways to curb your negative reactions:

Recognize your patterns of thought:

What behaviors really get under your skin? See if you can figure out why? Most likely, it has something to do with a childhood challenge. For sure, my issue with being interrupted has something to do with not feeling heard as a child. I’ve done a lot of work to let that go downstream.

See if you can cut off your negative thoughts when those behaviors present themselves. Center yourself, don't talk or hit send on that email. Go for a walk and/or breathe slowly and deeply instead. The more we can recognize the things that lead to our reactions, the more we can either avoid them or prepare ourselves for them.

Notice signals in your body.

Try to pay attention to the signs that you are upset. Some people feel it in their chest, some in their throat, some in their shoulders, face, or head. When you recognize this signal, you can more easily recognize that it's better to not speak, to take a few deep breaths, and bring some inquisitiveness to the moment. Ask yourself, what made me or the other person upset? What other responses could be appropriate or helpful in this moment?

​Here’s a mindfulness practice that can help you identify the signals in your body and learn to move through them so you can respond mindfully.

Consider the other person's story and needs.

It's easier to drop our own guard when we see the suffering in someone else. It's not so hard to see it if and when we really look. It's Don Miguel Ruiz's second of Four Agreements, which helps us understand how a person's charged tone or pointed comments are never about us. If you really look, you'll see that this is true. Marshal Rosenberg asks us to ask ourselves, What is this about? What unmet need does this person have? It's much easier to respond with kindness when we can truly see the other person.

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On we go together...
Zach
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Zach is a mindful leadership coach, trainer, and certified systems thinking advanced facilitator. He is also the lead consultant at The Center for Transforming Education in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

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